I never understood why my family developed in a way where everybody does their own thing all day... I think I found out why today.
So... I've been spending more time with my mom, and even though we are different, it didn't seem like a big thing, but there's more to it...
We hurt each other all the time with our words, our beliefs, and how we want to live our lives... For example, I always want to point out her flaws so that she can work on them and she always says things that hurt my feelings. I like changing myself into what I want to become... why do you keep saying that I don't do anything?
She makes me feel worthless until I remember my skills such as my abnormal increased interest in monotonous tasks or song loops or my ability to express everything I'm feeling in words or my ability to reason pieces of logic and parts together like an engineer. She can do NONE of that from what I've seen. I should hug her more often... It surprises her every time I do, but it's all I want life: an expression of affection.
The only way to make money is to express myself....
I could write articles with my grammar...
I could make game reviews/suggestions with my logic and game experience...
OOooh... she makes me so angry and then she gets angry because I'm angry... Rant videos aren't good for me though... also I'd be talking about mom and that makes her angry... she doesn't like to deal with her problems... either that or she doesn't think that they need to be addressed like I do. She used to say that she was always right, but after I tried calling her out on it a few times, she stopped...
She's a good teacher to infants, but, not when it comes to explaining things... that's where I succeed.
I'm not a good teacher to infants, but, I can explain and define things thoroughly... That's where I feel that my mom falls short.
In conclusion... I've become the emotionally bland person that I am because I've always been afraid of feeling emotion around my mom.
If I'm happy, then I'm hyper and I stress out mom and then she tries to stop my fun.
If I'm angry, then she gets angry. If I'm disgusted, then she's disgusted at my attitude. I'm also kind of mean to someone when I'm angry and disgusted at someone.
If I'm sad or afraid, then she makes fun of me, trying to make an example of me. I never learned anything from it.... I usually got angry and disgusted at her for doing so.
Now I know that I can feel emotion, I just can't express it all the time or else I will get ridicule from my mom.
Also in conclusion, I became the socially reserved person I am because of how different we are.
I'm naturally introverted like she is, but I've become extroverted after puberty in an attempt to seek a significant other.
Since I'm hyper and she likes things quiet, we found a tolerable balance when I'm playing video games, at school, or doing homework. Since I get so into video games and learning, she no longer has to be the only source of my satisfaction.
It... everything... just makes so much sense now... Staying quiet staying quiet by doing homework and playing video games all day made both of us happy when I was a kid, but now that I have to find work to generate income and I've become so much more extraverted, tensions are rising. Maybe I can do both of us a favor by spending more time out of the house.